Yesterday I wrote a serious rugby article – it was about the incredibly crass decision by the RFU to launch an England shirt featuring the Victoria Cross. On the off chance that you’re interested you can read it here – http://lastwordonsports.com/2014/09/24/england-rugby-dont-keep-shirt/

I worked in advertising and marketing for something like 45 years and oversaw and contributed to some seriously stupid ideas – but none came even close to the VC disgrace. I disorganised promotions on major brands and was involved in a few truly embarrassing ads – I might tell you about the embarrassing ‘taste buds’ commercial some time – but I didn’t come close to those who have just put the FU in RFU. Why the richest Union on the planet needs to try and generate even more money by having several dozen different shirt designs each year I have no idea – okay, so I’m exaggerating a tad but you get my drift (which, as you know, is something my thought process does quite often).


However, in the interest of fairness, I have put my massive intellectual capacity in gear (possibly reverse) to come up with some ideas that might help Twickenham add to their obviously needy coffers.

Why only have the one design for the whole team? It would basically have to be white I suppose so that the ref (and everyone else) knows who is on which side but instead of the VC motif the players could have different little pics. Each player could choose who he’d like to have voted off ‘Strictly Smug’ and their photos could be all over their own shirt – obviously no one would buy a replica shirt with porky Greg Wallace on but I bet fans of Bargain Hunt would be tearing straight down the Rugby Store to snap up a Tim Wonnacott number. The following week would be the turn of ‘Baking Bad’ or ‘I’m a Sleb’ – over the four week autumn internationals the RFU could market 88 different shirt designs – all at £90 a pop – now tell me I’m not a marketing genius! (okay – you don’t have to shout!). I draw the line at players having to be involved in promoting some reality stuff like ‘Chavs’ and ‘Posh Twats’ – mainly because no one would know who the fuck the idiots are or why their stupid fake tans and pouts are on a rugby shirt – even the RFU wouldn’t do that just for a few bob – would they? And as for ‘Grannies on the Game’ – well, don’t even go there.


In the meantime we should look for some big sponsorship – McDonalds would be a heavyweight (sic) outfit – and could have lots of little pics of Big Macs or Chips over different number shirts. If a player scores who is promoting say a quarter pounder – the pics all over his shirt could light up and the stadium speakers would play the “♫ I’m Loving it♫” jingle. Each time this happens McD’s would have to stump up a couple of extra grand – obviously if there is a shot of the flashing burger on the big screen then the money would be tripled.

Gotta go now, the phone is ringing – probably the RFU wanting to sign me up! Not surprised, I’m quite cheap and certainly better than whoever is advising them now – mind you there are creatures lying on their backs at the bottom of my pond that could do a better job.

Actually was the NZRFU calling – seems that they are not keen on my idea for little sheep and the NZ lamb logo all over the All Black shirts – want to keep it all black for some odd reason. Still it takes all sorts – hope the RFU don’t read that last bit – don’t want Bertie Bassett and liquorice whirls all over the England shirt for the World Cup do we?