I’ve been banging on about all the scientific monitoring of players for quite a while – coaches now have access to what they do on the pitch, in training, recovery, what they eat and how often they tug themselves off (okay – so one of those is probably not true – you’ll have to decide which for yourself).


Now we discover that The University of Canterbury in New Zealand is collecting samples of players’ spit and wee after a game.

I’m guessing (well, hoping anyway) that this isn’t some weird sexual fetish or student prank at the college – but these days you can’t be absolutely sure can you? Not with stuff like ‘necknominate’ and the tripe those idiots on reality TV get up to. Anyway, according to the researchers they found that the samples (ha ha) showed serious trauma that was like being in a car accident.

I’m not f*****g surprised – being hit by some of the monster blokes who now play must be like being hit by a truck and, to be honest, I’m surprised that half of the guys being knocked about didn’t pee themselves right then – never mind waiting to have a waz into a bottle after the game. As for collecting phlegm – I imagine half the pitch is swimming in the stuff – every time a scrum breaks up you get a charming close-up of the front rows removing gum shields and depositing saliva in the mud.


And another thing – why the f**k do front rows wear gum shields? Most of them don’t have any teeth left after their first season of club rugby. There can’t be many more areas that can be tested I imagine – although I suppose it’s possible that we may well soon have coaches nicknamed ‘Winnie the Pooh’