Heart Beat

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There’s been a lot of media attention on the increasing number, and severity of rugby injuries in recent times – often as a result of players being bigger and fitter. What seems to have been forgotten is us poor sods who get overly worked up watching from the side-lines.

It’s all very well the introduction of monitoring and techno equipment that measure everything that player’s do from diet to distance run and to brightness of their boots. Now, finally another bunch of blokes in white coats, who obviously have fuck all to do most of the time, have been checking out the blood pressure of the hordes who pitch up to watch.

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New Zealand boffins have been tracking the health of All Black fans and have discovered that when the ABs lose – especially in a World Cup – there is a serious spike in cardiac admissions to A & E. Conversely whenever the team win (as in 2011) there is a drop in the numbers keeling over – although  I’m a bit surprised that there wasn’t a bloody big rush of 999 calls in the last five minutes when France were only behind by one point!

http://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/all-blacks/10211448/Rugby-ABs-losses-a-matter-of-life-and-death

Luckily for the New Zealand docs the All Blacks tend to win a lot more often than they lose – fuck knows what would happen over here if fans down the ‘Tigers Head’ et  al  suffered similar health problems whilst watching the England football team. I imagine the NHS would actually have its own cardiac arrest from being severely over loaded. Fortunately they only have to deal with our fans biting each other’s ears off and the alcohol poisoning from trying to drown their sore heads. The stomach pumps would be working overtime which is more than the blokes with tubes down their throats would be doing anytime soon.

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Talking of pumps (clever eh?) I found another article which is worthy of being ‘tossed’ in here. In China a different set of ‘brokes hin why cose’ have invented a new machine that is about as much fun as finding out that your girlfriend used to be called Fred.

http://www.iflscience.com/technology/automatic-sperm-extractor-introduced-chinese-hospital

It’s wittily called an Automatic Sperm Extractor – and it probably does exactly what it says on the tin although you wouldn’t be able to read the instructions for laughing your pants down. It’s ‘hands free’ technology so I imagine it has blue tooth – which, blow me, is probably an added benefit on the deluxe model. It doesn’t say if you can get one fitted under the steering wheel although I expect it to be an option on new ‘HanShandee’ electric models out of Bejing. You’ve got to hand it to the Chinese – this is one machine that’s hard to beat!

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