Bite Marks – 2/10

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There has been a ton of stuff in the media and on social network sites about the Suarez ‘bite’. The best of the jokes and pictures linked him with Jaws and Hannibal Lecter. Some newspapers have been only too delighted to point out that rugby has also had a number of incidents of chomping and to list the players involved along with the penalties for getting caught (actually a bigger offence in my view).

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Once again we leave football in our wake – you can hardly notice any marks on Chiellino’s shoulder – in rugby it is not unusual to see a lot of claret – distributed roughly evenly between a ragged earlobe and the gnashers of a front row forward. A lot of the ‘vigorous debates’ are held at the bottom of a ruck apparently – luckily I have no first hand (or molar) experience of this – seeing as how I made fucking sure not to be anywhere near one of these unruly places – a demonstration of my wisdom (teeth) in action.

To be fair, biting nowadays in rugby is not that prevalent – most of the front row forwards I know didn’t actually have any teeth left after their first season in club rugby. Mind you, I imagine being gummed by one still wouldn’t be that much of a picnic – except for them, obviously. In addition, for the few still with canines, it is quite hard to get a decent purchase on your opponent’s soft bits whilst wearing a gum shield. The forwards have probably developed far better ways to incapacitate one of the opposition in a melee where the cameras can’t penetrate – again rugby scores over football on initiative and innovation.

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No self -respecting prop is going to munch on a schnoz during open play with TV covering every angle on the pitch. In any case most of the front row facial features would more than likely be improved with a lump out of them. If you really want to get an unfair advantage – try water polo – I played rugby with Benny and Jez who were in the GB water polo team – their stories about what went on below the surface would make your eyes water a lot more than a heavy dose of chlorine.

As for Chiellini’s rolling around on the pitch – you’d have thought he’d been attacked by a very hungry alligator, not the pantomime croc from Peter Pan. He wasn’t exactly in danger of losing a limb – what a tart! Sorry Suarez – you only get a low score for that passing glance with the Italian ‘nancy’ job. Must try (and bite) harder if you want to make the top ten. A decent drop of claret would help too!

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