Good morning to my 3 regular readers (ok – so I know that a 50% increase would have sounded more impressive but I am trying not to sound like a spin doctor from UKIP)
Anyway the heading doesn’t mean I’m going to take the mickey out of another code – this is about an innovative scheme for union being introduced down under (nudge nudge).
The ARU are asking fans to come up with new rules that can be introduced in a new national rugby union competition. Obviously they won’t accept any stupid ideas – banning barbies and tinnies from the car parks will probably be off the table – which will be some relief to those under it. However, I am hoping that they’ll ban the giving away of yellow scarves and bowler hats at internationals to try and make the fans look like they give a toss.
Personally I think this is brilliant and have devised a few that I’m thinking of shoving in an e-mail for the RFU to consider. Here’s my ‘Ten Commandos’
- ‘Joseph’s’ law – no one can wear stupid technicolour dreamboots
- Any player with a ridiculous haircut to be sin binned as soon as the game kicks off.
(2.a) An army barber to be installed in the sin binHalf time energy drinks to be subbed for a pint of whoever is sponsoring the team (it’s just bad luck if this happens to be Lynx after shave or Domestos)
- Half time energy drinks to be subbed for a pint of whoever is sponsoring the team (it’s just bad luck if this happens to be Lynx after shave or Domestos)
- Anyone in the crowd booing at an opposition kick at goal is to be tut tutted loudly by the TV commentator and put on a naughty step behind the ladies toilets – repeat offenders will naturally have to be shot or given Chinese burns.
- All physios to be attractive females in skimpy cheer leader outfits – medical qualifications are optional
(5.a) Home team to supply several female streakers as part of half time entertainment, these may or may not form part of the physio team.
- Before every game the TMO has to write out 100 times – ‘A forward pass is when the bloke catching it is in front of the bloke chucking it – it has nothing at all to do with which way hands are pointing’
- Coaches are not allowed to play Solitaire on their laptops during the game. Surfing porn is allowed, obviously
- Maori tattoos are only okay if you are in fact a Maori – I know this sounds a bit self- evident but there seem to be a lot of blokes born in Scunthorpe who are sporting them
- Patriotic singing to be encouraged – however this does definitely not include ditties that appear in ’12 Years a Slave’ and are accompanied by rude gestures or mentions of chariots (unless it’s Martin Offiah)
- Saracens can only wear their ‘Denis the Menace’ shirts if they get official sponsorship from the Beano
I’d also like to add in one about the All Blacks being forced to tour Tonga, Samoa and Fiji before they toddle off to play the USA!
I’m sure that there are some good innovations I haven’t thought of – suggestions on a postcard to the RFU, Twickenham please, although I imagine the response is likely to only include the last two letters of their initials.